About toxic relatives
Our family, home, loved ones - all this should be our safe harbor away from the storms of our hectic life. However, sometimes it is our family that breaks our hearts in a way that no one else can.
We all know that if our friend, boyfriend or girlfriend turns out to be "toxic", then it's easier to just break up with them, and you probably read a lot of advice on how to do it better ...
But what to do if the person with whom you, unfortunately, have family ties, turns out to be “toxic”?
Our family is not always our “home”
In such a situation, we often simply cannot turn around and walk away, leaving such a relative behind. Or we feel that we don't want to do it ... or, for example, that it is not appropriate to do this.
So what do you do when a close relative literally poisons your life with his sheer toxicity?
How do we deal with our feelings of duty, confusion and betrayal, and how to mend the pieces of a broken heart?
First, accept the simple fact that not every family is healthy in every sense of the word, not every family can be relied upon at any moment, and your family may not always be the “home” to which you can return.
And not every thread that binds the family together is woven from mutual respect, love and support. Sometimes the fact that you are supposedly a “family” means only that you carry some common part of the genetic code; and nothing more. And, like everyone else around us, some members of our family help us soar to the heavens, and some pull us to the ground.
Secondly, you must understand that the toxic member of your family may just be on a difficult stage of his life. He may be sick, very worried about something, or perhaps he simply lacks love and emotional support. And in such cases, you may be the person who can listen to him, support him, and who can take care of him (although whatever the reason for what is happening to him, you still need to learn how to protect yourself from his toxic behavior).
1. The toxic relative may not be a bad person, but he may not be the type of person to spend a lot of time with on a regular basis.
Not all toxic family relationships are initiated by people who do it on purpose to hurt you. Some of them may include people who really care about you - people whose intentions and thoughts are pure as freshly fallen snow, but their methods of implementation leave much to be desired, and the very presence of such people makes you sacrifice your own happiness and well-being.
And therefore, no matter how hard it is for us, we have to move away from such well-wishers - at least so much that we have space to breathe freely. You simply cannot afford to self-destruct every day for the sake of someone else.
You must put your own well-being first. And if for this you have to spend less time with someone of your relatives, love one of them at a distance, or even completely move away from situations in which it is too difficult for you to be in, you have every right to do so. At least for the sake of maintaining your own mental health.
2. Toxic people are often very good at hiding behind passive aggression. Passive-aggressive behavior can take many forms, but can generally be described as non-verbal aggression resulting in negative behavior.
And to put it simply, it's when someone, instead of directly telling you how they feel, lets you know in indirect - and very annoying - ways. Instead of directly saying what pisses him off, the person finds plenty of ways to prick you until you pay attention to him. And, most likely, you will also lose your temper. Are such relationships toxic? Undoubtedly.
After all, your relations first of all show that this person believes that he cannot afford telling you directly what is bothering him. Remember, most intelligent human beings will not see the slightest reason for being passive-aggressive towards you if they know and feel that they can safely say whatever they think straight out.
In other words, they won't need to hide their feelings behind passive-aggressive behavior if they feel they won't be judged or criticized for their way of thinking. So try to make it clear to your relatives that you will accept them as they are; that they do not have to share your ideas and opinions, but you would be pleased if you could count on their support when you need it.
And if they care about you, then you will most likely get this support - and in any case they will be ready to compromise.
Well, if they refuse, and continue to behave passive-aggressively, well - you can always move away from them at the proper distance. Emotional blackmail is not the kind of blackmail you should obey.
3. They will certainly try to subject you to their will - if you let them. We've all heard about school bullies and their bullying of weaker or good-natured students, but sometimes toxic relatives can be many times worse than these bullies.
Bullying other people is bad. That's it, period, and no "buts"! No one has and cannot have the right to insult and humiliate another person as a personality. However, unfortunately, there are people who simply cannot be happy until they trample someone's self-respect into the dirt. And you must learn to resist these dirty tricks.
Unfortunately, sometimes we find people who enjoy emotional abuse in the most unexpected places. Pay attention to how people around treat you, and try to notice their jokes - even if, as you think, they are quite harmless. And if they cease to be harmless, stop them without any pity.
Right, you can endure a lot from relatives - but not something that threatens the very integrity of your personality.
4. It is not normal pretending that a relative's toxic behavior is normal.
If you do not defend your interests, you will not notice how toxic relatives will begin to use their difficult nature to get special treatment from you. And you will follow their lead simply because, well… it will be easier to just do what they want you to do than to get into another fight. But this is wrong.
Making life easier for yourself in the short term, you make it joyless for a much longer period. If you reward toxic people for their behavior, they won't change. Ever.
5. Just because they live just for today doesn't mean you have to do the same. Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you happen to be forced to live or work with a toxic person, try to make sure that you always have enough time to be alone with yourself, rest and recuperate.
If you have to constantly embody the role of a collected and reasonable adult, you know very well how exhausting it can be, and if you are not careful, the toxicity of your environment can infect you too.
6. If their emotional abuse escalates into physical abuse, take action. Immediately! If you have experienced physical abuse from one of your family members and have tried to build a relationship with him…
If you tried to understand and forgive, despite the fact that what happened poisoned your life, manifesting itself in outbursts of toxic anger ...
If you have spent many years clinging to faith and trust, knowing in the depths of your heart that neither one nor the other can be returned, that love is gone forever ...
And especially if you once stood up for someone's defense, diverting the brunt of the violence onto yourself, and saving the unfortunate victim ...
Well, then you are a real hero! But now it's time to take care of your future. Tell yourself "Enough"! If one of the adult members of your family constantly uses his fists – he breaks the law, and must receive everything he should according to this very law.
7. Do not look for the origins of someone else's toxic behavior in your own actions. It's not about you at all. Remember this.
As a rule, toxic members of your family will try to turn everything on you, hinting that you are to blame for the current situation, that you are doing something wrong. And since so many of us are very prone to self-reproach and accusing ourselves of all mortal sins, sometimes even a hint that we have done something wrong can throw us off balance for a long time and shake our resolve. Don't let this happen to you.
8. Hating toxic people for who they are will only make your life more toxic.
As Gandhi once said, "If you follow the principle of 'an eye for an eye', soon the whole world will be blind." No matter how nasty your toxic relative is, don't let your heart fill with hate. When you fight hate with hate, you only multiply it.
No wonder the old proverb says that one who decides to embark on the path of revenge must dig two graves - not only for the enemy, but also for himself. Leave long-term grievances to toxic people, those who believe that everyone around them always owes them something. And take forgiveness for yourself – this is something that people who are smart and strong enough to move on choose. You should know that the best revenge on the offender is not to turn into a copy of him. The best revenge is to live your life for your pleasure, the way you think is right.
9. People can change, and some toxic family relationships can still be fixed.
Fights and difficult situations happen in almost any family relationship - and it is important to understand that even if you have lost trust in another person, you can still win it back if you are only willing to work to grow out of this situation, together.
Moreover, sometimes just when it seems to you that the once unshakable rock on which your relationship stood crumbles into dust, you have an invaluable opportunity to rebuild these relationships from scratch, getting rid of the negativity in them, which ultimately led to the current situation.
10. Unfortunately, sometimes all that remains for us is to leave quietly. After all, this is your life, and you should not waste it on hopeless cases. You may never be able to control everything that toxic relatives do to you, but it's up to you to decide if you want to endure it any longer.
It is up to you to decide whether to let other people's actions and opinions into your mind and heart. And finally, it is up to you and only you to decide with whom to enter tomorrow, and who belongs only in your past. In an ideal world, we would be able to normalize our relationship with all the toxic members of our family; we could heal them of what poisons them and your life - except that the world is far from ideal.
So do not be afraid to invest time and effort in family relationships to keep them from falling apart, but if you understand that your efforts do not lead to anything, act in your own interests and do not waste your energy in vain.
Keep in mind that while each toxic relative is a unique individual, and it's possible that you'll need to approach them individually in each case, there are a few very universal principles you should remember for your own good:
