Psychology of school bullies

Bullying is not a one-time incident, but a constant, systematic aggression towards another child who, for some reason, has a lower status,” school psychologist Rebecca Branstetter explains. She emphasizes that bullying is different from other forms of aggression in conflicts between children.

Of course, kids who bully their peers do so for a variety of reasons. It is impossible to draw up a single psychological portrait of a school tormentor. But still they often have certain character traits that it will be useful to pay attention to.

“If we can isolate the common features of these children, such as increased shyness, problems with social thinking and social communication skills, then we can prevent bullying and harassment in advance,” Branstetter says.

“Personality, character, moral principles, self-image - all this is still fragile at school age, still developing. The sooner we can help both the aggressor and the victim with their problems, the more opportunities they will have for reconciliation and personal growth,” child psychologist Gillian Roberts explains.

Here are 10 characteristics common to aggressive children:

1. LACK OF EMPATHY

Aggressive children who bully their peers often have underdeveloped emotional intelligence, they have reduced ability to empathize, and they do not understand themselves well.

“Because of their lack of empathy, they are unable to put themselves in the place of another person and ask: how would I feel if I was teased like that?” counseling psychologist Kathleen Goodman explains. Many people think that empathy and the ability to empathize are innate qualities, but in fact they are also skills that can be taught. Parents and teachers can make a big difference by teaching children empathy, including by example.

2. SELF-DOUBT

“All bullies have insecurities. By intimidating others and mocking them, they try to hide it from others,” family therapist Tom Kerstling says. For children with low self-esteem, putting others down sometimes becomes an unhealthy psychological defense that helps them feel more confident.

Sometimes the aggressors even envy their victims. However, Rebecca Branstetter explains, the popular stereotype that all high school sadists and tormentors suffer from self-doubt does not tell the whole story.

“In fact, many aggressors and tormentors are popular in the class and, in their own words, their self-esteem is not lower than average or even high. However, many of them are very prone to shame and feel vulnerable, fearing that others will see some of their weaknesses. Therefore, by bullying and ridiculing others, they turn their attention to other people's shortcomings, successfully hiding their own, which they are very ashamed of. It's an important detail that's easy to miss: tormentors often protect their own self-worth by projecting their shame onto others,” Branstetter explains.

3. THE NEED FOR CONTROL

“Many aggressors seek to control everything and everyone, because they feel that otherwise they can become victims themselves. They try to subjugate others so that no one can become stronger and harm them,” neuropsychologist Sanam Hafiz says.

School psychologist Rina Patel agrees with this: “Children who feel that their peers do not like or do not support them often begin to mock others, trying to gain at least some power and control. They mistakenly believe that by controlling other children they are making them their friends.”

4. IMPULSIVENESS

Sanam Hafiz argues that aggressors and tormentors are often impulsive and do not know how to control themselves: "They simply do not think about what consequences their actions lead to, how they affect the physical and emotional state of another person."

“Impulsivity arises for some reason. For example, due to the fact that the child does not know how to solve emerging problems and tasks and does not know how to get what he wants,” Kathleen Goodman explains.

5. CRAVING FOR POWER AND STATUS

“Many aggressors really want to gain power and high status in their group. Due to their lack of social skills, the only way they have is to bully others,” clinical psychologist John Mayer explains. By bullying others, such a child feels stronger than them, especially if he feels his inferiority in other aspects.

Often, those who find it difficult to study begin to bully more successful students out of envy. However, modern research refutes many of the established stereotypes. For example, a study conducted by the University of California at Los Angeles found that the most popular kids in the class are bullying others most often in high school.

“It turned out that children who are popular among their peers most often bully others. It seems to them that by mocking the weak, they emphasize and maintain their high status,” clinical psychologist Scott Symington explains.

“Children who are popular among their peers because of their style of dress, appearance, unique talent, rich family and expensive things, secretly fear that if it were not for this one factor, no one would be interested in them. So they bully others to maintain their own status,” says Kim Metcalfe, educator and child psychologist.

Symington says it's important to teach kids that it's not "cool" to bully others. Then the “cool” and popular kids will have no motive for bullying. Anti-smoking campaigns work in much the same way.

6. HARD CHILDHOOD

“Sometimes they say that those who feel bad do bad things to others. This is true for many school bullies as well. As a school psychologist, I have seen many such children. Often they told stories about their lives that broke our hearts,” Rebecca Branstetter says.

A study by scientists from the University of South Florida showed that children who have experienced life's difficulties (violence, disadvantage, financial problems in the family) are more likely to bully their peers. Many of them have been victims of bullying themselves. Someone has experienced physical or sexual abuse by parents, guardians, older siblings, or other children. They may have observed similar behavior in the family or elsewhere.

“It is important to remember that if a child bullies his peers, he most likely learned this somewhere. If he puts others down to feel better, he may have grown up in an environment that destroyed his self-esteem,” Gillian Roberts explains.

7. EARLY EXPERIENCE OF VIOLENCE

Children who use physical violence against their peers have probably seen examples of such violence from early childhood. Perhaps they saw it on TV, in computer games, or in the family. “Many aggressive children have positive attitude towards physical violence, it is a form of entertainment for them, a way to satisfy their needs. Often this is due to the fact that their parents actively used physical or other cruel punishments,” Sanam Hafiz explains.

8. DIFFICULT RELATIONSHIPS WITH PARENTS

Even if parents do not overtly abuse their children, there may be unhealthy relationships in the family that often contribute to aggression. “School sadists rarely have loving and caring parents who are actively involved in the lives of their children,” Rina Patel says. Some parents are simply not interested in children, and sometimes a child is brought up by a single parent who is always tired at work.

“In some cases, children become aggressive and ruthless because parents require them to be better than others in everything - in sports, school, social status,” adds Patel.

Different psychological theories explain the causes of bullying in different ways. “Attachment theory says that bullying tendencies arise from lack of secure attachment to parents at an early age. Family systems theory looks at patterns of behavior and relationship dynamics within families and suggests that children who have experienced domestic violence are more likely to bully their peers. They have learned that aggression is a way to resolve conflicts,” Kathleen Goodman explains.

9. TENDENCY TO AGGRESSION

“Most children will try to show aggression, but will soon give it up as their language and social skills develop. But for school bullies, this process seems to stop. In conflict situations, they rely primarily on aggression, and not on prosocial behavior - discussion and joint problem solving,” Scott Symington explains.

These children do not know how to manage their anger and other emotions. “The aggressor is afraid of losing control – including control over his own emotions. These children are often impatient and irritable. Some of them are constantly under stress or emotionally unstable, and because of this they often have outbursts of aggression,” Sanam Hafiz explains.

10. INCONSISTENCY IN EDUCATION

Many aggressive children are raised by parents inconsistently and with little discipline. Such parents do not explain their children where the boundaries are, and do not make them responsible for bad behavior.

“If children are not given clear rules of conduct and their upbringing is neglected, they often begin to try to control their peers. Parents who are too soft do not limit the child, who, as a result, believes that everything is permissible for him. Children want their parents to establish rules of conduct and routine for them, they perceive this as a sign of care. Excessive parental softness can seem like indifference to a child,” Hafiz explains.

In many cases, parents are not ready to admit that their child is bullying their peers - especially if earlier he was "exemplary", and aggression manifested itself only later. Many parents and other adults unconsciously indulge in bullying and harassment, taking the problem lightly (“well, the boys are just messing around”) or ignoring it altogether. It is very important to acknowledge the reality of what is happening, to have a serious talk with children, to clearly indicate the inadmissibility of harassment and bullying, and to show respect for others by example.