7 Real Historical Facts That Sound Like Dark Humor
Some facts from history are so crazy that they seem fake; but in fact they are completely true. We collected crazy facts that sound like "nonsense" but are actually true.
1. In the Middle Ages, some conflicts between husband and wife were resolved by a duel
Domestic violence is a serious problem. In the Middle Ages, they found a very original way to resolve disputes between spouses - not to prohibit them, but to legitimize them. So, in the book of 1467 by the duelist Hans Talhoffer called Fechtbuch (“fechtbuk”, fencing manual) describes the rules for conducting court fights between spouses.
A man sitting waist-deep in an earthen pit was armed with a club. His wife was given a bag with a stone weighing four or five pounds (1.5-2 kg). Any techniques were allowed - including blows to the head, strangulation, sticking a club between woman's legs and twisting a man's penis (yes, Master Talhoffer mentioned such details as well). The judge determined the winner.
2. 60 nobles of the Holy Roman Empire drowned in feces in Erfurt
Once, two influential gentlemen, Louis III, Landgrave of Thuringia, and Conrad of Wittelsbach, Archbishop of Mainz, quarreled.
Some tension had long been felt between Thuringia and Mainz, and the archbishop decided to build a castle in Heiligenburg on the border with a potential enemy, he wanted to build it just in case. The Landgrave said that this was a provocation and decent archbishops do not act like this, and therefore now he is simply obliged to organize an invasion of Mainz.
Emperor Henry VI, who was just passing by minding his business - he wanted to make war with Poland, nothing special - he decided to help the gentlemen reconcile. To do this, he organized a Sejm, that is, a meeting of important people, in the city of Erfurt.
If Louis, Conrad and Heinrich met in person, face to face, then there would be nothing to talk about. But in the Middle Ages, things were not done like that, so everyone came to the negotiations with huge retinue. Plus, this number was added by noblemen from all over the Holy Roman Empire – some of them came on a serious occasion, some counted on a banquet.
In general, on July 25, 1184, more than a hundred people gathered for negotiations in St. Peter's Cathedral in Erfurt.
And when the meeting began, the wooden floor beneath them, not designed for such a weight and rotted in addition, collapsed. Monseigneurs fell down, broke through the next floor with their bodies, and finally collapsed into a huge septic tank located under the monastery. It was a septic tank that has not been cleaned for many years.
As a result, more than 60 people died - some from injuries during the fall, others drowned in tons of excrement. Among the dead were such respected gentlemen as Gozmar III, the counts of Ziegenhain, Beringer I von Meldigen and Friedrich of Abinberk and other important people. As you can see, not only in the "Game of Thrones" nobles have a hard time.
Louis III floundered in the septic tank, but they managed to pull him out. The archbishop also survived by sitting next to the window.
And King Henry at that time retreated into a niche toilet with a stone floor (in those days, such places in castles were delicately called wardrobes). He had to wait, sitting in the lavatory, while the servants brought a ladder and rescued him from the second floor of the collapsed building. After that, his majesty became disillusioned with diplomacy and left Erfurt.
3. Pope Formosus was put on trial after being exhumed
In January 897, Pope Stephen VI decided to accuse his predecessor, Formosa, of heresy. This was the most popular way to remove an objectionable hierarch in Rome - to call him a heretic and anathematize him. Sort of like a "cancellation culture" only for popes.
The fact is that Formosus approved unction the wrong person to reign the Holy Roman Empire - Arnulf of Carinthia from the Carolingians. After the short-lived emperor Arnulf was paralyzed, another king, Lambert of Spolet, began to claim the title. Formosa's decision urgently needed to be canceled in court, pretending that this was not the pope at all, but a traitor to the church. And it doesn't matter who he appointed at all.
There was, however, one snag: Formosus died safely nine months before the start of the meeting, so he could not come to court, which is quite expected.
But the fact of the death of the defendant did not stop the justice machine. The orderly decomposed corpse was pulled out of the tomb, dragged through the streets, taken to the Lateran Basilica, dressed in papal clothes and put on the throne. Pope Stephen accused the corpse of perjury, violation of canon law and misappropriation of the title of bishop and began interrogation. Naturally, it was not Formose himself who answered, but a deacon hiding behind the back of the throne, imitating the voice of the deceased.
Following the meeting, the corpse was found guilty, all his decisions, including the unction of Arnulf, were declared null and void, three fingers were chopped off (which he used for blessings during his lifetime), his papal vestments were torn off and buried in a cemetery for mob.
The adventures of Formosa did not end there. He was exhumed again - apparently by grave-diggers who hoped to gain some profit. But since the excommunicated pope was buried without any honors, the robbers did not find anything of value, tied a load to the corpse and threw him into the Tiber River.
The late ex-Pope surfaced, fishermen found him and, according to the historian Liutprand of Cremona, brought him to the church of the blessed Prince of the Apostles Peter. There, the remains of Formosa are rumored to have begun to work miraculous cures. In addition, they recalled that during the "Corpse Synod" (Cadaver Synod) an earthquake occurred that damaged the Lateran temple, which further convinced the mob of the sanctity of Formosus.
A little later, the new pope, John IX, restored Formosus in his rights, buried him in the papal tomb with honors and forbade them continuing to carry out a trial of the dead.
And some time later, the next pope, Sergius III, canceled this decision and again declared Formosus a heretic, and ordered to leave an inscription on the grave of Stephen VI, what he was a fine fellow for exposing Formosus. But they decided not to exhume the poor fellow for the third time, and he remained to rest in St. Peter's Basilica.
4. Indian Galvarino fought with the Spaniards without hands
When the Spanish conquistadors conquered South America, they faced fierce resistance from the Mapuche Indians, or Araucans. Nearly 150 Mapuche were captured after a fierce battle in Araucania in 1557.
The governor of Chile, Garcia Hurtado de Mendoza, ordered to cut off their right hand and nose to most of the prisoners. And they cut off both hands at once in the most ferocious warrior named Galvarino. Apparently, he was really cool in battle.
If you think that the loss of limbs stopped Galvarino, then you are mistaken. He attached a pair of knives to his stumps and continued to fight the Spaniards. Galvarino, even without hands, laid down a mountain of conquistadors at the battle of Millarapu. But in the end, the Spaniards nevertheless prevailed, killed almost three thousand Mapuche and fed Galvarino alive to the dogs.
5. The Roman Empire was auctioned
There was one unpleasant period in the history of Rome - the year 193, during which five emperors were replaced on the throne.
Emperor Commodus, the same one played by Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator, was a very strange guy in reality. He loved to fight in the arena against real fighters, but he often forgot about the affairs of the empire. And besides, he suffered from paranoia and liked to kill his consuls just in case, otherwise they would suddenly think of something. It is not surprising that people close to him decided to eliminate him carefully and appoint a better ruler.
It didn't work out doing it carefully. An attempt to poison Commodus failed because the emperor vomited. They had to hastily bribe his personal Greco-Roman wrestling coach, Narcissus, to strangle Commodus during a shared bath. The fighter coped with the task, and one of the conspirators, Pertinax, was appointed the new Caesar.
He, in general, was a good person and could become quite a decent emperor, because he abolished the draconian taxes of Commodus and gave more freedom to Roman citizens. But he did not bring money to the Praetorian guards, and they were offended by him.
The guards guarding the emperor were accustomed to receiving a certain amount as a gift, called "donativ", or "donatvium" from each new applicant.
Praetorians are not bloggers, the reluctance to donate to them led to unpleasant consequences.
Therefore, the Praetorians killed Pertinax, and then announced an auction. The throne of Caesar and the whole Roman Empire was the lot. The wealthy senator Didius Julian offered the highest price, 25,000 sesterces for a Praetorian, and he was named the new Caesar.
But he ruled for only two months, because he did not manage to pay off the Praetorians on time, and he did not guess to take a loan. On the 66th day of his reign, the guards, who did not receive payment, killed the debtor.
Only the next emperor, Lucius Septimius Severus, was able to restore order in Rome. He became a good ruler and enjoyed the support of ordinary Romans. And he was clearly not stupid, because the first thing he did when he became Caesar was dissolving the Praetorian Guard, replacing it with his own soldiers.
6. Britain and the United States went to war over the killing of a pig
In 1846, Britain and the United States divided territories on the North American continent and signed the Treaty of Oregon, which stipulated their borders west of the Rocky Mountains.
The problem is that geography was so-so then, since Google Maps and mapping satellites had not yet been invented. So the deal was a bit vague. There were no difficulties with the division of borders on land, but on the water...
So, the two powers could not divide the small island of San Juan, and both countries declared it their territory. And they forgot about its existence for 13 years.
On one half of the island, the British Hudson's Bay Company established a sheep farm, and on the other, American settlers grew potatoes. For a long time they lived in peace, until one unfortunate incident occurred.
One day, an American farmer named Lyman Katlar got up in the morning, went out into the street and found that a large black pig was ruining his garden and eating potatoes. Since this wasn't the first time this had happened, Catlar freaked out, picked up his rifle, and killed the pig on the spot without firing a warning shot.
Then, like a decent man, he went to the owner of the pig, the Irishman Charles Griffin, who ran the sheep farm, told him what had happened and offered 10 dollars in compensation. Griffin apparently loved the pig very much, because he got angry and demanded at least 100 dollars. Catlar refused to pay, because it was the pig that invaded his territory.
And when the British authorities threatened to arrest Catlar - in those wild times, people often forgot about such a thing as jurisdiction - he went for protection to the valiant American warriors.
Brigadier General William Harney, the commander of the Oregon Military District, took the message that American citizens were being offended. And he sent 66 soldiers of the 9th Infantry Regiment under the command of Captain George Pickett to protect the farmer. Seeing that a real military detachment had arrived on the island, the British also decided not to waste time on trifles and requested support in the form of three warships with marines.
The conflict escalated, and on August 10, 1859, on San Juan Island, 461 American soldiers with 14 guns prepared to engage five British warships with 167 guns and 2,140 men aboard. Fortunately, the army commanders, American Colonel Silas Casey and British Rear Admiral Robert Baynes, having learned what the fuss was about, decided that it was stupid to start a war over a pig. Therefore, both ordered their men not to fire first on any account.
For several days, American and British soldiers, sitting in positions, shouted all sorts of offensive things to each other, trying to provoke the enemy into aggression in order to get the right to bypass the order and use weapons. But not a single shot was fired.
Upon learning of what had happened, high officials in Washington and London were horrified by the prospect of war over such a trifling matter and began negotiations. But then, inopportunely, the American Civil War began, and the negotiations dragged on for 12 years. All this time, the American and British garrisons of a hundred people each held their own half of the island of San Juan. The British left the island only in 1872, the Americans withdrew their troops in 1874.
Thus ended the many years of Anglo-American confrontation on the island of San Juan, the only victim of which was a pig.
7. Time is relative
You've probably heard a fun fact floating around the internet: Cleopatra lived closer in time to flying to the moon than to building the pyramids. And it is true.
Cleopatra VII, a descendant of the Macedonian commander Ptolemy, an associate of Alexander, lived from 69 to 30 BC. The pyramids of Djoser began to be built from 2667 to 2648 BC. The first moon landing took place in 1969.
But here's an even stranger fact for you: at the same time when the pyramids were being built, real mammoths were still walking the Earth! Naturally, not in Egypt, but on Wrangel Island, but still. The last population of mammoths perished around 1355-1337 BC, during the reign of Tutankhamen.
The famous tyrannosaurus rex also lived closer in time to the flight to the moon than to the stegosaurs. The latter existed 156-144 million years ago, and tyrannosaurs - 67-65 million years ago.
And, finally, you should know: during the premiere of the first Star Wars people were still executed on the guillotine in France. The last person was beheaded in this way in 1977.
